


And With Him Half My Soul

by tei



Category: Doctor Who, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-17
Updated: 2010-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-10 04:10:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tei/pseuds/tei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Milliways is a good place to meet people. Maybe too good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And With Him Half My Soul

"Christmas? We're not filming it because of _Christmas?_"

"Well," stammered the BBC monkey standing nervously in the doorway, "It's just that, since this whole fiasco is somewhat unexpected--"

"_Christmas_ is unexpected?" said Douglas.

"Well no, Mr. Adams, not as such, it's just that is came at an unfortunate time. So many Christmas specials to film, you see. I'm afraid Shada will just have to wait. It's just bad timing, I'm afraid."

"Ah", said Douglas, "Bad timing. Yes, well, why don't we just pop off to good old Year Zero and tell Mary to hold off for a little while? Better yet, why don't we have the Doctor do it, in yet another episode that will remain unfilmed?"

The BBC monkey looked alarmed. "Well, yes, if that would make you feel better, Mr. Adams, sir."

Douglas stared at the man for a minute, then brushed past him-- "Fuck it. I think I'll go get drunk. And so will the Doctor."

***

The TARDIS door squeaked open.

Romana stepped out and frowned, looking around. "Doctor, are you sure you have the right place?"

"Never, my dear! But yes, I think this time you can be fairly confident in me when I assure you that this is indeed _the place_", said the Doctor, following her and stepping out into the... parking lot? _It is a parking lot_, thought Romana. _ What on Gallifrey are we doing in one of those?_

"I thought it polite," the Doctor cut in on her thoughts, "to park in the parking-lot. Also, this is probably the best parking lot you will ever have privilege of seeing. Not that you ever have seen or will see a lot of parking lots in your lifetime, but still. Although I have to admit, we do look a bit dwarfed."

Romana looked up, and promptly wished she hadn't. The dull concrete ceiling seemed to be miles away and, looking up, one might imagine that gravity was merely a technicality and any minute one's feet might pop off the floor and send one hurtling towards the ceiling. No, screw "one might"; Romana definitely _did_ imagine this, and momentarily lost her balance. She didn't fall onto the ceiling, but she did stumble into a sleek black wall which felt against her skin as if it were made of liquid, miraculously held in the shape of a... spaceship. It wasn't a wall, it was the most ludicrously, excessively and presumably _expensively_ large spaceship she had ever seen.

"A little bit silly, really, when you consider the size of the interior of the TARDIS." The Doctor was leading her towards a row of what looked like a enormous plastic vacuum-cleaner nozzles. "He may look more impressive in the parking-lot, but I'll bet he doesn't have a swimming pool in there." He positioned Romana underneath one of the nozzles, then turned to take his place under the next, glancing back at the monstrosity of a ship parked beside the TARDIS: "Or... well, maybe he does. In any case. Hold on tight!"

Romana felt herself rising slowly into the spacious pipe. She grinned confusedly at the Doctor through the clear walls. Wherever they were going, it couldn't be half bad if _this_ was how to get there.

***

By the time she had followed the Doctor through a maze of drunken and/or disoriented people in an enormous lobby, Romana was thoroughly confused. "It is," the Doctor said, "a little bit overwhelming your first time. Could be worse, though. All of these poor people made the time journey in their spaceships, imagine that!"

"Doctor", said Romana forcefully, stepping around the body of a dazed Hath, "_Where are we?_"

The Doctor just grinned and stepped through a doorway into the most ornately and tastelessly decorated restaurant that Romana had ever seen. "Welcome", he said, "to the Restaurant--"

Whatever he said next was drowned out in an enormous wave of applause. The lights went down over everything but the stage as Max Quordlepleen bounded out under the spotlights.

"We're late", shouted the Doctor in her ear. "I think the general concept of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe will become quite apparent if you look up."

Romana looked.

And looked.

Despite all of the many wonders of the universe to which she had previously been exposed, Romana found it difficult to reconcile the End of the Universe, which was clearly what was happening in the sky above, to the restaurant full of drunken creatures of all species below.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Quordlepleen began, "the Universe has been in existence for over one hundred and seventy thousand million million years, and will be ending in just a few moments. So please do have a drink or several, and welcome one and all to Milliways!"

Max Quordlepleen's eyes sparkled, but behind the dazzling light reflected onto his beaming face from the sequins of his jacket, he was sick to death of giving the same speech every time the Universe ended.

At the bar, nursing a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster and unenthusiastically ogling the waiters, sat the only man in the universe who was sick to death (well, not quite to death-- never _anything_ to death) of hearing it.

***

"Excuse me." Romana attempted to tap a waiter on the shoulder, but drew her hand away quickly when her fingers sank into skin the texture and firmness of silly-putty. The waiter spun around, prodded his shoulder back into place with a small sigh, and looked at her expectantly.

"Ah-- oh, I am sorry about your shoulder. I was just wondering where the washrooms are."

The waiter looked at her for long enough to make Romana feel vaguely uncomfortable, then gestured towards the lobby. "If madam walks in the direction of the car park, I believe a facility suited to madam's anatomical needs can be located through door twenty-three." Romana began making her way towards the door, leaving the Doctor chatting with a very deep shade of blue. (Well, "chatting" might be an overstatement. "Refracting" would be more accurate, which apparently qualified as some form off communication.)

The man at the bar, who had been staring at the Doctor and Romana ever since they entered, patted the hand of the creature he had been idly chatting up and excused himself.

As Romana weaved her way through the crowd, she became aware of him following her, and not very subtly at that. It was hardly worth worrying about-- any man who tried to follow her into the bathroom would very likely get more than he bargained for. As she stepped out into the relative quiet of the lobby, she glanced behind her. He was following at a run now, gesturing wildly. Romana stopped and turned to face him, mystified, and he skidded to a halt an inch away from her.

"Sorry," he panted, "I'm very drunk."

"It's quite all right", said Romana. Well, it could be worse-- at least he was polite about it.

"It's just," he continued unsteadily, "your... boyfriend. With the scarf."

"Not quite, but yes."

"I think I know him."

"Well, it's possible. He does know quite a few people."

The man shook his head angrily. "No! That's just the problem! I _don't_ know him! It's _him_, I know it is, and I've been looking for him for lifetimes and here we are at the end of the fucking _universe_ and it's _the wrong him!_" He took a deep breath and attempted to stand up straight. "Jack Harkness, by the way. Nice to meet you." He extended a trembling hand. Romana shook it.

"The pleasure's all mine. And I'm very sorry about... well, whatever it is."

"Your companion..."

"Is the Doctor, yes."

Jack slumped back onto a bench beside a very upset Vl'Hurg lady who had apparently been abandoned by her date. "I _knew_ it," he said quietly. He sounded triumphant, but in the same sort of way that someone is triumphant when they escape from an alien kidnapping by sawing off their own arm. Suddenly he looked up at her, beaming. "Thank you. Thank you so much..."

"Romanadvoratrelundar."

Jack jumped up and shook her hand enthusiastically. "Thank you, Romanadvoratrelundar. You just made my century. Even the wrong Doctor is better than no Doctor at all." He began to stride purposefully back towards the restaurant.

"...oh." Said Romana. "Oh dear." _I'll bet nobody consulted the Time Lords before building this restaurant,_ she thought. _We would never have approved it. Much too dangerous; too many people you don't know yet. I'll have to mention it to the High Council. Perhaps they could be of some use, for once, by shutting this place down._

Romana glanced around the lobby and noticed one of those old-fashioned sobering cubicles in the corner, with an array of coin slots for thousands of different currencies. She dug in her bag for something common, and pulled out a few Earth coins-- pounds. She ran after Jack and pressed them into his hand.

"No", she said. "Sober up. Then wait here for me. Do _not_ go into that restaurant until I say you can."

Jack opened his mouth to argue, looked at Romana, and closed it again. He headed towards the sobering machine.

Unsurprisingly, when Romana returned from the washroom, he was nowhere to be seen.

"No", she whispered. "No, no, no!" She took off at a run towards the door to the restaurant. As soon as she entered, her senses were assaulted with the sights and sounds of the Universe ending. She looked around wildly for the Doctor; he was sitting on the edge of the stage, grinning at Quordlepleen as the announcer narrated the Final Ending. She also saw Jack, pushing his way towards him, stopping periodically to stare at the ceiling. She doubted he had used the sobering cubicle.

She took off, knocking over a few of the more vertically challenged species in the restaurant. Jack was still weaving his way confusedly around huddled groups of restaurant-goers; when she reached the Doctor, he was still stuck halfway across the room, having apparently accidentally picked a fight with some sort of leopard.

"Doctor", said Romana, "We have to go."

"Go?" The Doctor looked at her somewhat unsteadily. She grabbed the drink from his hand and deposited it on a nearby table. A small Judoon child, having escaped the watchful gaze of his parents, wandered by and sampled it.

"Yes. Go. Right now." Romana tugged on his hand, but he braced himself against the edge of the stage. "Romana, the show's just getting started! Look!" He pointed up. "Poof! Boom! Bang! Look at all those galaxies disappearing!" Romana raised her eyebrows.

"Doctor, do you have any personal grudge against the galaxies in question?" He tore his eyes away from the sky, startled.

"Well, some of them. But most, not really. No. I don't." Now he looked somewhat confused, and Romana saw her chance. She tugged at his hand again and this time he followed her, saying, "Actually, as much as I do like it here, I usually regret coming the next morning. All of the... revelry. At the end of the universe. But then, what else _can_ you do?

"Run!" She shouted, leading him in an arc around the middle of the room, keeping one eye on Jack, who had noticed her escape and was running after them, shouting and waving his hands. Jack suddenly looked very, very sober; but then, perhaps there are just certain situations in which being drunk really isn't an option.

***

_No,_ thought Jack. _I'm not going to let this happen again. I'm not going to let him do this to me, especially not when he hasn't even done it yet. That's not fair._

Romana was nearly dragging the Doctor through the lobby; Jack was certainly faster, but she had the head start and reached the tubular transports quite a bit ahead. Jack jumped into the same one into which she had pushed the Doctor and began to descend, agonizingly slowly.

"Doctor!" He shouted, his voice echoing in the tube and morphing into an unrecognizable noise. he heard the Doctor say something in reply-- perhaps "Yes, hello"-- but it was lost as he reached the ground and they began running towards the TARDIS. Jack's feet touched the ground softly a few moments later, but by the time had taken a few steps he knew he wouldn't catch up.

Skidded to a halt in the parking lot; watched Romanadvoratrelundar push her Doctor into the TARDIS; slumped against a wall as he watched it disappear.

"Life," said a metallic voice from behind him. A very rusty robot holding a dirty rag was staring at him.

"I beg your pardon?" Said Jack.

"Abandonment," said the robot woefully.

"Oh", said Jack.

"Life," repeated the robot. "Don't think yours is so bad. I've been here five hundred and seventy-six thousand million, three thousand five hundred and seventy-eight years."

"I once spent one thousand, eight hundred and seventy-four years in my own grave", said Jack. It sounded sort of lame.

"You don't have to talk to me if you don't want", said Marvin, and began polishing an enormous shining limoship with his dirty rag.

"I don't", muttered Jack, and headed upstairs for another drink.

***  
He wasn't really paying attention to anything in particular. Something purple and squealing ran by, almost knocking over his drink. He might as well have been asleep when a human-looking waiter (the first he'd seen, actually) dropped a piece of paper by his hand.

"From the man, over there." Jack glanced up and looked in the direction of the waiter's pointing thumb.

And saw the Doctor. _His_ Doctor, standing across the room under the imploding sky, and Jack somehow knew that that wasn't the Doctor's "come adventure with me" face. He gave a small nod towards the paper on the table. Jack picked it up. It said, "HIS NAME IS ALONSO."

Jack frowned, hoping for some sort of explanation-- no, screw that: hoping that the Doctor would be smiling at him, walking towards him, taking him away. Instead, the Doctor just nodded at the man who had just sat down beside Jack.

He _was_ quite pretty.

The Doctor made a little one-finger salute: and Jack knew this wasn't an invitation, it wasn't a just-kidding-I-want-you-after-all, and it certainly wasn't a hey-how-are-you-just-passing-through. It was a gift. Maybe even an apology. He knew the Doctor hated it, but Jack couldn't help himself: he sat a little straighter, and saluted for real.

He turned to Alonso, grinned, and--

***

Douglas Adams laughed into his drink. "I don't know _them_," he said out loud. The bartender looked at him quizzically. "That's _spoilers_. And if you're not allowed them, my dear Doctor, then I don't see why I should be."


End file.
